I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
