i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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