so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
