In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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