She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
