Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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