Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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