those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Your cock deserves a montage
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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