Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
