Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
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My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
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How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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