she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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