I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
