my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i've created a new STD.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
