Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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