this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
