Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize