if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
