Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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