the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
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We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
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we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize