I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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