Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
