just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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