I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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