theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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