Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
