i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
