hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
