Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
