Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
