I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize