you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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