Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
