im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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