your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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