If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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