6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
