Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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