A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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