Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
