headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
