I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
