I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
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So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
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Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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