I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
this boner is exhausting
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He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
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I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.