your parents love me but you hate me
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct