pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
