Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
