just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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