you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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