remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
