sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You pole danced in your parka.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
