Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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