We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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