My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
