I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
