new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
