You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
