.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
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Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
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i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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