around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
