shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
