Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
